I Don’t Feel Young – Wye Oak
Here’s an awkward article. E.J. Graff is uncomfortable with the relationship between Kevin Clash (the voice of Elmo) and a young man. Here’s why:
But the Elmo puppeteer story does bother me. In case you missed it, Kevin Clash is a six-foot-tall African-American man, now 52, who does the voice of the Sesame Street icon. Earlier this week, word came out that a young man, now 23, accused Clash of getting involved with him when the accuser was 16 years old—under the age of consent. Sesame Street put Clash on a leave of absence while it investigated. The accuser has since recanted, saying he was an adult and that the entire relationship was consensual.
But it still makes me queasy. Why is a 45-ish-year-old man having sex with a teenager? If the 18- or 19-year-old were female, I would be appalled at the probable power imbalance, assuming that a creepy middle-aged man was manipulating a youngster’s immaturity to use her sexually, to soak up the admiration of youth, promising (implicitly or explicitly) things that a more mature adult would know were lies. Why should my attitude be different if the youngster is male?
A couple things here.
First, why on earth is it important that Clash is “a six-foot-tall African-American man”? Is there any way to read this other than a squeamishness over scary big black guys?
Second, the categorical refusal to accept the validity of such relationships seems pretty dogmatic to me. Obviously there are potential power issues. But there are potential power issues in a lot of places. That’s not usually a reason to completely reject the principle of a relationship but rather to make sure those imbalances are taken seriously.
I’ll reference Dan Savage and his ‘campsite rule’ on this question. That is, the older partner should leave the younger “in better condition than they found them.”
Sure, someone who is 18 most likely is not emotionally mature yet. But a caring and considerate older partner can certainly contribute to their emotional growth. And an emotionally manipulative jerk can do serious damage regardless of his/her age.
Look, I’m not unaware of the significance of probabilities. And sure, if you know nothing else about a 45 year old man except that he is dating someone barely over 18, that should trigger a warning for you. But at the same time, I’m aware of the fact that the vast majority of outrage in our society about this sort of thing comes at the expense of older gay men. Which feeds into the narrative that being gay is equivalent to pedophilia. And that does a tremendous disservice to those who quite legitimately participate in caring age-divergent relationships.
If you’re old enough to drive, old enough to vote, old enough to work, you’re old enough to be given some level of trust in your relationships. ‘Trust’ doesn’t mean categorical approval, but it does mean starting from the assumption that these people are subjects who deserve the dignity of their own choices.